the ever since story....

there always seems to have a hole inside me, an endless hole, which i have no sense of control over it. Sometimes i wish that there will be someone in some place where i will meet, to help me vanish it, once for all. Underneath of it, i know it was impossible. It was ME. It was FROM ME, as I'm the creator of it... So no one else will have the answer except myself, and this is why till now and then i didn't really request for help, as there is no one else that really can help, except myself.

Is this the cause of loneliness, that i am having all the while? partly. Longing for someone there for me to rely on, if not for long, then a short period of time will be good. A person for me to count on, for me to mumble to... A longing for loved, and being loved. May be of this is part of the reason that i'm attracted to twilight. It remind me of what i'm lacking of for all these years...

i'm not a good girl. Sometimes i'm a nerd; and sometimes i'm a bitch.. out of no way, i may have a sudden urge to be all by myself; and i may suddenly get too moody towards stuff. How do i defined myself? I don't, as it bring no point.

Now i actually try to get the slight twilight fever out of my head. For what it is not real; for what i'm attracted by the person not the storyline; by what seem to be too perfect is fake. but the harder i go, the longer it stay. May be it just better let it lay aside, and gone with time. What left for excitement and imagination, let it fill the gap whenever necessary.

Here come the end of a year, here come December. A freshly new beginning, i told myself, is what i needed the most right now. For the better, for the future. Not from outside, but from inside. For which i should bring more fresh energy in, to lighten up and brighten up my life. Not for physical, but for mental and emotional, to be more truthful to myself, and to outgrowth from the past...

a new day. A new beginning. A new start. A new life. and a better me.